If you had spoken to me four or five years ago, I would never have believed to be in a position I am now. This weekend, I will be in a white dress and a veil, walking down the aisle. No, this is not a post to say I’m suddenly recovered, but more to express how much progress I have made since then.
Four years ago I had just been discharged from hospital. I left that admission with the full knowledge I was soon going to lose all that weight as soon as I stepped out the door. I never told anyone that at the time, I made it out that I was suddenly ‘all better’. I looked better, so I guess to most people that meant I was better.
In fact, I decided then that I had one mission currently in life. Whilst my other friends were either getting married or starting new jobs, I was losing weight. In my head, my new weight and food targets I was achieving, were far more interesting than anyone else’s major life milestones they were achieving! I didn’t need what other people had. I had my own little project I was working on. And so began the year I decided to ruin myself, mentally and physically.
Well anyway, all those memories are pretty depressing. What I’m trying to say, is how I had no other goals or aspirations in my life other than slowly killing myself. Here I am, a few years on and this weekend I will be walking down the aisle. See, dreams really can come true.
I promise you all, I NEVER thought this would happen. I was far too wrapped up in my own head to contemplate this. Yes I ‘wanted’ to get married and pictured it in my head, but I also pictured a ‘functional’ anorexic whose second job was a wife. I never pictured actually living a life independent and away from home. I never imagined I would have a husband who could actually deal with my vast multitude of crazy thoughts! (Sorry S.)
I don’t yet know exactly how being married might affect my ongoing recovery, however I’m pretty certain it’s going to be a fresh start. A fresh start that is positive and will show me how life really is worth living. A life full of love, excitement, opportunities and most definitely sharing my life with my best friend. I know it’s not always going to be easy. Having independence, something I have never truly had will be a learning curve. A curve however, I am sure I will be able to rise on top of.
So for now, I’m going to focus on having the best day on Sunday. Whether my hair isn’t completely perfect or I scrutinise any minor faults that I may have about the way I look, it doesn’t matter. My goal for the day is to have fun, and most importantly, remember that this is the start of my new journey! 🌟 💫
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