A new step in my journey…

If you had spoken to me four or five years ago, I would never have believed to be in a position I am now. This weekend, I will be in a white dress and a veil, walking down the aisle. No, this is not a post to say I’m suddenly recovered, but more to express how much progress I have made since then.

Four years ago I had just been discharged from hospital. I left that admission with the full knowledge I was soon going to lose all that weight as soon as I stepped out the door. I never told anyone that at the time, I made it out that I was suddenly ‘all better’. I looked better, so I guess to most people that meant I was better.

In fact, I decided then that I had one mission currently in life. Whilst my other friends were either getting married or starting new jobs, I was losing weight. In my head, my new weight and food targets I was achieving, were far more interesting than anyone else’s major life milestones they were achieving! I didn’t need what other people had. I had my own little project I was working on. And so began the year I decided to ruin myself, mentally and physically.

Well anyway, all those memories are pretty depressing. What I’m trying to say, is how I had no other goals or aspirations in my life other than slowly killing myself. Here I am, a few years on and this weekend I will be walking down the aisle. See, dreams really can come true.

I promise you all, I NEVER thought this would happen. I was far too wrapped up in my own head to contemplate this. Yes I ‘wanted’ to get married and pictured it in my head, but I also pictured a ‘functional’ anorexic whose second job was a wife. I never pictured actually living a life independent and away from home. I never imagined I would have a husband who could actually deal with my vast multitude of crazy thoughts! (Sorry S.)

I don’t yet know exactly how being married might affect my ongoing recovery, however I’m pretty certain it’s going to be a fresh start. A fresh start that is positive and will show me how life really is worth living. A life full of love, excitement, opportunities and most definitely sharing my life with my best friend. I know it’s not always going to be easy. Having independence, something I have never truly had will be a learning curve. A curve however, I am sure I will be able to rise on top of.

So for now, I’m going to focus on having the best day on Sunday. Whether my hair isn’t completely perfect or I scrutinise any minor faults that I may have about the way I look, it doesn’t matter. My goal for the day is to have fun, and most importantly, remember that this is the start of my new journey! 🌟 💫

Comments

An update from Mrs N …

Hello from the new Mrs N!! Can’t quite believe it’s all over and we are finally husband and wife! It’s often second nature for new couples to say they’re on on cloud nine. Yes, cloud nine could exist, but nothing is smooth sailing. I don’t believe anyone that says it is. For me, it really has been amazing and I’m loving my ‘new’ life as a wife, but I guess beneath these fluffy clouds seemingly made of candy floss will always lie some honest feelings. In truth, my eating disorder kicked in hard straight after the wedding. I’ve never lived away from home (apart from my gap year which didn’t end too well), and to suddenly be waking up in a different environment was hard. Yes, I have my amazing husband and he’s been incredible throughout, but for someone who’s pretty bad with change, it hasn’t been so easy. For the first month, I barely walked inside the kitchen. I just couldn’t get used to it. I was just about ok grabbing some water, and running out again. For some bizar...

When everyone else tells you to JUST EAT ...

One would normally think it a matter of course (and common sense) to take a doctor's advice; after all, you do want to get better. For Eating Disorders, this is easier said than done... This most likely sound’s rather peculiar, what person would ignore the doctor’s advice? This is something I regularly ponder; why, after all the help I have received, am I still unwell? There is no answer. Anorexia is devious, it convinces you that the way you live is the only way possible. It tells me that I will never cope without it. It has locked me in chains for so long, I often can’t possibly picture a way to unlock them. It feels as if I have lost the keys. Eating disorders have a high rate of relapse. One would presume that once I have gained control of my behaviours, gained some weight and learned a regular eating pattern, why would I sabotage that, and revert back to my old habits? It seems to feel like a revolving door. Going round and round and round. I remember when I was 1...

Is it just about being thin?

Eating disorders are often characterised by an intense desire to lose weight. Whilst valid, this statement is only true to an extent. It is true that, over the years, I have had a real urge to get the numbers that show up on the scales to drop. Even a menial fall in weight was a rush, and I felt like I had succeeded at attaining the personal goals I kept setting myself. It was almost like a rush each time. I know full well - as I have mentioned in previous posts - that these thoughts of success are lies, and that they are anything but the answer to my problems. When your goal is to be as thin as possible, the reactions of others can be frustrating, because their worries seem to fly in the face of everything you are thinking inside. They think: • Why can’t they just see that looking emaciating is anything but pretty? • Why can’t they see that they are damaging their health? • Why can’t they come to the realisation that they are ruining their life? For...

Holding my Key

Search This Blog