A new step in my journey…

If you had spoken to me four or five years ago, I would never have believed to be in a position I am now. This weekend, I will be in a white dress and a veil, walking down the aisle. No, this is not a post to say I’m suddenly recovered, but more to express how much progress I have made since then.

Four years ago I had just been discharged from hospital. I left that admission with the full knowledge I was soon going to lose all that weight as soon as I stepped out the door. I never told anyone that at the time, I made it out that I was suddenly ‘all better’. I looked better, so I guess to most people that meant I was better.

In fact, I decided then that I had one mission currently in life. Whilst my other friends were either getting married or starting new jobs, I was losing weight. In my head, my new weight and food targets I was achieving, were far more interesting than anyone else’s major life milestones they were achieving! I didn’t need what other people had. I had my own little project I was working on. And so began the year I decided to ruin myself, mentally and physically.

Well anyway, all those memories are pretty depressing. What I’m trying to say, is how I had no other goals or aspirations in my life other than slowly killing myself. Here I am, a few years on and this weekend I will be walking down the aisle. See, dreams really can come true.

I promise you all, I NEVER thought this would happen. I was far too wrapped up in my own head to contemplate this. Yes I ‘wanted’ to get married and pictured it in my head, but I also pictured a ‘functional’ anorexic whose second job was a wife. I never pictured actually living a life independent and away from home. I never imagined I would have a husband who could actually deal with my vast multitude of crazy thoughts! (Sorry S.)

I don’t yet know exactly how being married might affect my ongoing recovery, however I’m pretty certain it’s going to be a fresh start. A fresh start that is positive and will show me how life really is worth living. A life full of love, excitement, opportunities and most definitely sharing my life with my best friend. I know it’s not always going to be easy. Having independence, something I have never truly had will be a learning curve. A curve however, I am sure I will be able to rise on top of.

So for now, I’m going to focus on having the best day on Sunday. Whether my hair isn’t completely perfect or I scrutinise any minor faults that I may have about the way I look, it doesn’t matter. My goal for the day is to have fun, and most importantly, remember that this is the start of my new journey! 🌟 💫

Comments

It's going to be ok ....

Welcome to my journey. My name's Lizzie and I'm 25. A London girl, with a passion for travel, fashion, culture and writing. Unfortunately , all of these interests have been hijacked by an eating disorder. It has taken a lot from me, and prevented me from following my dreams. However, I am on the difficult path of navigating it. It is a long process, and not always easy, but this is a space for me to be honest, share my feelings, and work towards playing a part in removing the stigma around mental illness. A lot has happened over these past 10 years. I have had ups and downs. I have succeeded and failed in many ways. Most definitely my biggest ‘up’ has been getting engaged to the most wonderful boy, (anonymous for now!) who I am so grateful for every day. I never thought I would meet that ‘perfect' boy. I was positive I was destined to be alone forever. I comforted myself in the notion that I didn’t need a husband. My husband could be...

Slowly but surely ...

I know I’ve been a bit M.I.A recently. It wasn’t for a particular reason, just I guess ‘life’ got in the way. My world has been busy, as has of course, my mind. I sometimes get angry at my mind. It’s not fair that mine seems to work in different ways to others. I often get annoyed at the universe for landing me, with what often seems to be an unmanageable load. Since as humans we aren’t aware exactly of what goes on in other peoples brains, it frustrates me that my head just doesn’t seem to cooperate with the world around me. I have often described it as being on an ulterior planet. Yes, of course I’m on planet Earth. Guess it would be quite cool to be writing from Jupiter?! I feel as if my brain runs a million miles an hour, which is probably how this post reads. I have so much whirling through that I regrettably make stupid decisions. I guess you could call one of those ‘decisions’ could be that I concluded that starving myself is the best way forward. I’ve been tryi...

Calories on menus : helpful or harmful?

Calorie counting is a hard topic. It became part of my life further into my eating disorder once being in hospital. Unfortunately, that’s a massive negative impact of being on an eating disorder unit, where the standard gossip is which snack choice has the lowest calories. It soon became ingrained in me and I learnt the exact numbers of every food item and which were the dreaded most ‘calorific options.’ Numbers have played an enormous role in my anorexia. Whether it’s the nutritional content of food, kilos or BMI. (BMI accuracy is a whole another conversation to be had!) I am aware that in order to move away from my harmful behaviours, ‘un-learning’ numbers is something that has to be done. When I walk into restaurants, I already scan in my mind which meals are safer. It’s pretty upsetting because I guess the whole fun of eating out in most peoples’ mind’s is choosing a delicious meal they might not be able to replicate at home. When I heard about the new govern...

Holding my Key

Search This Blog