It's going to be ok ....

 

Welcome to my journey. My name's Lizzie and I'm 25. A London girl, with a passion for travel, fashion, culture and writing. Unfortunately, all of these interests have been hijacked by an eating disorder. It has taken a lot from me, and prevented me from following my dreams. However, I am on the difficult path of navigating it. It is a long process, and not always easy, but this is a space for me to be honest, share my feelings,  and work towards playing a part in removing the stigma around mental illness. 

A lot has happened over these past 10 years. I have had ups and downs. I have succeeded and failed in many ways. 

Most definitely my biggest ‘up’ has been getting engaged to the most wonderful boy, (anonymous for now!)  who I am so grateful for every day. 

I never thought I would meet that ‘perfect' boy. I was positive I was destined to be alone forever.  I comforted myself in the notion that I didn’t need a husband. My husband could be anorexia. I felt married to it. I have often described it as an abusive husband. It abused me in so many various ways, yet I was too tangled in the relationship, with too many scars, I was scared to divorce it. 

When I met him nearly 2 years ago, I was so happy to find someone who just ‘got’ me. I didn’t need to put on a facade any longer or pretend my anorexia didn’t exist. He accepted me for who I was. I wasn’t recovered and never claimed to be, but one thing I was sure of, was that if I wanted a life with him, and a chance at leading a life I had dreamed of, my anorexia needed to go.. With the support of him, I began to attend an intensive day treatment service that I have gone to since then, all day, 5 days a week. 

I didn’t feel brave enough to tell many people. I told my closest friends, but to everyone else who believed I had my anorexia under control, having stayed out of hospital for a while now,  I kept it a secret. I was too nervous people would doubt my relationship  and be intent on destroying it. That fear very well might have not had any validity, but I already had people say to him comments about my eating disorder and how he was crazy to take such a risk to date me. It infuriated us so much, about how people who barely know anything about me, or what goes on inside my head would have the audacity to gossip. Unfortunately I have no doubt that these people have not been educated on eating disorders. They merely have probably seen in the media images of skeletal girls staring at a piece of lettuce and that’s as far as it gets. They might not know or understand the complex nature of anorexia.

Since entering treatment last October, it has been hard in many ways. I have cried and moaned a lot, spent hours sitting at meals, with staff saying they are happy to wait till midnight till I finish my dinner, taken 2 hours to eat a sandwich, and thrown many a tantrum over the amount of calories I have needed to consume. When I have stared at a plate of food and have refused it, I have been told by one particular staff member that she 'does not negotiate with terrorists.' Yes, the terrorist in question here, is my eating disorder. Yet, despite those experiences, I have still turned up with a determination to rid myself of this awful illness. 

This is the first place that has really understood me. The first people that have put up with all my nonsense and have never given up. Some days I leave a mess, utterly exhausted, yet they are there for me the next day to start again, telling me it’s a new day, and that recovery is possible. According to them, ‘nothing changes if nothing changes.’ I hold that quote close to me, remembering every day that in order to recover, I have to separate ‘Lizzie' from anorexia. Lizzie is not anorexia, and I will not be defined as my illness. My behaviours need to change, if I am to change. As always, I am the holder of the key to lead me to change.

I hope you enjoy reading this, and join me on my journey!