Slowly but surely ...

I know I’ve been a bit M.I.A recently. It wasn’t for a particular reason, just I guess ‘life’ got in the way. My world has been busy, as has of course, my mind. 

I sometimes get angry at my mind. It’s not fair that mine seems to work in different ways to others. I often get annoyed at the universe for landing me, with what often seems to be an unmanageable load. Since as humans we aren’t aware exactly of what goes on in other peoples brains, it frustrates me that my head just doesn’t seem to cooperate with the world around me. 

I have often described it as being on an ulterior planet. Yes, of course I’m on planet Earth. Guess it would be quite cool to be writing from Jupiter?!

I feel as if my brain runs a million miles an hour, which is probably how this post reads. I have so much whirling through that I regrettably make stupid decisions. I guess you could call one of those ‘decisions’ could be that I concluded that starving myself is the best way forward. 

I’ve been trying my utmost hardest the past couple of months. Even more so, that finally after 20 months of 5 days a week treatment, I now do 4! This might not seem a lot, but for me this finally means a day when I can actually deliver my Asos packages back to the post office! 

Doing one day less hasn’t meant necessarily that my ED has quietened down. It’s just as loud as ever. It’s screaming and yelling at me that I’m gaining weight. I’m so conscious that others are looking at me. Even if it isn’t a ‘massive’ gain, it feels massive to me. Being so controlled over my weight, I have certain numbers in my mind with red flags that tell me not to cross over certain weights. It’s ridiculous but this certain figure in my mind I’ve felt so attached to for years, I haven’t let myself cross since being forced to gain whilst in hospital. I was disgusted by it and left hospital soon after and undid all the ‘hard work’ I reluctantly did. 

I promised myself when entering treatment last year that I was not going to go in, eat some food, and leave when I feel I’ve gained enough. That was not going to happen. I’m aware the ‘real’ work begins when you are healthier physically. When your brain isn’t so malnourished and you feel dizzy that you cant even hold a genuine conversation… 

Since entering my clinic, at the start I felt I was never able to talk beneath surface level themes. I could reel off hours about being angry that a staff member said something wrong, the timetable being incorrect or someone sitting in a particular chair I liked. It could easily ruin my day. 

I actually realised that today. A new staff member who I guess isn’t so experienced sat with me for dinner. I maybe should have been compassionate… Well she did decide to not finish her risotto or have dessert, whilst we all trawled through an overly creamy creme brulee. I was fuming. How dare she sit there and watch me eat this dish of pure calories! Practically speaking staff are supposed to eat the same as us, but I guess she didn’t know. In the end, I couldn’t look at her and totally blanked her when she asked me how my day was. 

It was an odd scenario but it’s an example of how often I get fixated on trivial matters when maybe I should be using more energy on more urgent matters in life! It’s not worth being angry over someone else, who has no bearing on my life not eating a creme brulee. It’s just not worth it. 

What I’m trying to say is how I can slowly see where the ‘real’ work that needs to be done is. I need to connect to my feelings more and not let my stupid eating disorder of a brain take over and convince me to focus on such pointless issues, when there’s actual exciting opportunities out there! 

I need to be excited about my wedding dress fitting. About looking at new homes, and about all the new things I have waiting for me in the coming year!