Riding the waves

Apologies for my absence, but I’m back. Back with a huge amount of motivation, and enough to show anorexia the door.  Since I last wrote, life became pretty full on as I was back in my clinic full time again, 10.30am to 7pm. It took time to settle back in, and also very importantly remind myself what needs to be worked on. 

I think when we are at home, especially in the 3rd lockdown we have all just endured, I personally fell into a rut. I was intent on getting through every day, logging on zoom at 11 and logging off at 5. It became pretty monotonous and although it was a big help, online treatment was not what I needed. 

Since returning to in-person treatment a few weeks ago, I suddenly got this surge of motivation. It is normal that motivation will fluctuate as that happens with all of us, however I decided to make this return to in-person treatment successful and I am determined to give it my all. This isn’t to say motivation will always be present the whole time, but with every inch of power I have, I will have that dreaded night snack that I still believe is pointless. If that’s what will make my dietician happy (of course me happy too, but currently I don’t always view it that way!) , then I’m willing to prove to everyone that I have the power to fight the ridiculous voices in my head that tell me the most absurd of things.

I have also spent quite a lot of time working around the topic of identity and last week it hit me how much of my identity I feel is moulded around my eating disorder and other issues. It was pretty sad to think about, but I realised how my mind and body have been completely taken over by an illness. I drew a pie chart and put in what I believe makes up ‘Lizzie.’ I have a section with my family and friends and people I love to spend time with, and a section describing things that interest me. However a large section of the pie still seemed to be roles I’ve ‘adopted’. By this I mean, thoughts that take up a lot of headspace, and how I sometimes think others view me. 

I’m sure this might not be correct realistically but my brain over the years has become indoctrinated that all I have in the world is my illness. The only identity I believe I am capable of is to have an eating disorder. Although I don’t always recognise it, I know I hold an identity separate to an eating disorder. It might take up a lot of my headspace and time, yet there is much more to me than what I sometimes believe. 

Despite my search for an identity separate to anorexia, keeping up motivation can be tough. As It comes in waves, I often fall down at the first hurdle when it dips, and tell myself that rising up again just isn’t possible. I sometimes forget that naturally one is able to ‘ride the waves’ up and down, and it is ok to not always be on top. 

As I’ve mentioned before, recovery isn’t linear. Arriving at my clinic every day and leaving in the evening doesn’t feel like a tick on the checklist done. It’s a tough journey that includes a lot of bad days amongst the good days that remind me what I have to recover for. 

Whatever our motivation in life is, whether it’s to score that perfect job, to gain a masters in our dream subject, or build a beautiful family, it’s vital to keep in mind that in the journey to reaching it, there will undoubtedly be days when you feel it is unattainable and to give up. 

For now, i’m ‘keeping on keeping on’, a saying that is so accurate. It can feel mundane and often rather tedious, but if I keep holding on, I will eventually ride the waves with confidence, and be in control of when it dips.