Last year I wrote myself two letters.
Two very different letters.
I don’t want to share them word for word as they’re quite personal, but I thought I would give you a snapshot of the dilemma that often races through my mind.
The first was to a Lizzie in five years time, still battling Anorexia. The best way to sum it up was utterly depressing. I wasn’t married, I was alone. Alone with my thoughts and with a ‘life’ filled with hospitals, machines and the dreaded word, food. I had let it conquer my life. Anorexia had won. I had thrown away every hope and dream I had left inside. There was nothing left inside me fighting for freedom, the only thing left was a small, flickering flame that kept my eating disorder alive and powering through. S had left me long ago, my siblings had given up on me, and whilst my friends experienced all that comes with life in their late twenties, my life was empty.
I burst into tears after writing it.
The second was to a Lizzie in five years, all recovered and living her best life. A life she deserves, married to S, with hopefully a baby or two in tow! It filled me with excitement, with a reason to keep on pushing. Lizzie was living in a beautiful home she had created, filled with love and happiness. She was seeing her friends for coffee, pushing a buggy up the street to buy fresh food, and then exploring the world with her family, as she loves to do so much. This Lizzie had everything to live for. She was filled with pride for the struggles she had overcome, but those difficulties were something that stayed in the past.
Having written both, the obvious thought would be that option two sounds like a better choice. Yet within the mind of someone with an eating disorder, a constant battle occurs. You would have thought I would have thrown number one out the window straight away. Of course the first letter is something that keeps a catastrophic reminder of what my life could become. It is there to tell me what a disaster of an existence I could possibly have if I didn’t keep fighting. The second letter reminded me of what opportunities I have waiting for me. There is so much to live for, to experience and to enjoy.
Without a doubt, the ‘ill’ letter is one that is heading for the bin. There are fleeting moments when I try to convince my anorexic brain that I can live ‘both’ lives. I can be happily married with kids, and also stay unwell. Rationally I know that wish is unattainable, and more importantly, unwanted. I don’t want to live a life using every ounce of energy I have to calculate calories and kilograms. Quite frankly, I know there are more important and satisfying ways of using my brain.
Recovery needs to be a constant reminder to stay on track. To remind myself over and over again that I don’t have to live a miserable life. Nothing should be stopping me from living the best existence that is on offer. Although at times I convince myself that being anorexic is the only option for me, I can clearly see it is an awful option and an option that does not need to feature in my life.
The reason I shared this is because the more my ‘backwards and forward’ thoughts are imprinted in words, the less of a reason I have to forget them. I can never forget my hopes and dreams and what I have to live for. Every person has a chance to live a fulfilled life, and staying ill should be nobodies destiny.
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