Before March 23rd 2020, that infamous day when a pandemic sent us into hiding, I felt I was already in hiding. In some ways, I kind of felt ‘comforted’, that for the first time ever, it’s not only my life that has been put on hold. I’ve always been the one that has had to suspend my life. Whether that be because i have had to come home early from my gap year, leave university as I was admitted to hospital or leave my job because I had no energy or concentration, It became a normal feeling for me to watch everyone I know; power on through their lives, reach new goals, hit new milestones, whist I would just be watching on from the sidelines with a happy and supportive smile on my face as a loyal friend.
It was tough, knowing I hadn’t got that degree yet, I hadn’t been offered that top high-powered job and I hadn’t been trusted to go travelling the world without my family. So for once in my life, it was not only me! It sounds kind of cruel I guess to think that, however I just thought that, as the world came to a standstill, others might finally get a taste of what life can be like when you’re not rushing around and achieving every goal in sight. I was able to finally let myself catch up…
In some ways, contrary to the rest of the world, I loved it. I felt safe at home. Yes, my treatment transferred to zoom for a while, which did cause a lot of steps backwards in terms of my recovery, but I was at home. Home to me is where I feel the safest. I didn’t need to worry anymore at the thought of being out socialising for hours on end. I didn’t need to fret about putting on a fake smile, as realistically I wasn’t going to see anyone. It felt peaceful.
I learnt a lot of things during that time. Some positive, and some negative. Firstly, for anyone with an eating disorder, at the start, the scenes of people madly buying toilet paper and stockpiling food as if an apocalypse was looming, were anxiety provoking. Suddenly I wasn’t the only one with food on my mind! Despite having an irrational fear of food and a fear of gaining weight, I also have a fear of food not being available. I began to worry I would starve to death. Ironic I know.
Secondly, I began to feel too comfortable at home. I was nervous of lockdown ending. No longer could I use the excuse of a pandemic to not attend my friend’s birthday or celebration. I began to feel ‘institutionalised’ at home. I didn’t even let myself get fresh air for weeks on end. I was terrified of the outside world. Despite us being allowed out for walks, I chose to stay at home. Yes, a big part of my head berated myself for not using that opportunity to exercise and burn calories, but I just lost the will to embrace the few freedoms we had left. I felt guilty for not using my ‘allocated’ walks once a day. I could have maybe used that to walk miles. Yet I also know for me, excessive walking can trigger unhealthy behaviours.
Due to the isolation we all suffered; this left me more time to think about anorexia. The thing about eating disorders, is that they thrive off time spent focusing on them. The more you use your brain to ruminate over calories and weight, the more the behaviours become more entrenched. Unfortunately, this did lead to a lapse in my recovery. I was doing really well before March, food was becoming a bit easier at my clinic; and I was managing meals much better.
My other achievement before lockdown, was that I had given them my scales; all wrapped up with a bow on top! Apparently scales are their favourite present to receive. To most, this doesn’t sound like a massive feat, however for me, having weighed myself a minimum of twice a day, often reaching 4/5 times if I’m spending time at home, it can become utterly exhausting. Tracking the numbers go up and down throughout the day, writing down the weights and comparing them to a few hours ago, is probably one of my most unhealthy behaviours. If I stepped on the scale, and it had jumped up even a tiny amount, this could ruin my day. However, if it had reduced a tiny bit, this led me to a feeling of success. Due to lockdown, and treatment moving online, this meant I had to re-buy a set of scales. I was against this, but given no choice as they had to track my weight. I was so upset to once again, have access to scales in my house. My mum did hide them, and still does, only allowing me to weigh myself twice a week, but my deceptive brain still managed to find them and would once again secretly weigh myself, multiple times a day.
Overall, lockdown was difficult for me. The uncertainty we all faced, was debilitating. To not know when my clinic would re-open was hard. When it did finally start up again, I was delighted, yet also shocked at how my negative behaviours had re-surfaced whilst spending time at home. Returning was incredibly difficult, as meals were once again torturous for me. Sometimes this even meant missing sessions due to still being stuck at the table, long after everyone else had left.
I am generally very resistant to change. This meant that I found it extremely different when my clinic slightly ‘altered’ their set-up to be coronavirus-friendly. Screens popped up, constant hand-washing was needed, and social distancing was implemented. I found this quite scary; somewhere that had become a safe space suddenly looked vastly different. I’m still coming to terms with the adaptations, but I am getting more used to it by the day, and I do ultimately understand the need for these added safety measures.
As with the rest of the world, I am in need of life ‘returning.’ Yes, at the start I felt relieved I have the time to catch up with people I know. Yet now, I can even admit it has become rather monotonous...
For now, I’m hoping 2021 will be filled with more happiness, further steps in recovery, and most of all my wedding!!!
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