Holding my Key

Anyone you meet will always have a list of habits, both conscious and subconscious. Some are daily, others, occasional, like making sure you have a cup of tea in the morning. Most of these habits are benign, if at times strange, but there will always be those that we will want to rid ourselves of! Much of this is because many habits can be harmful, often without us noticing for a while. Whilst many of us might be content to live with them, we all have the ones we want to say goodbye to!  It would regularly take time for an initially harmless act to turn into something unhealthy, and by that time the behaviour had become entrenched. I didn’t realise that my daily mandatory 5+ black coffees with sweetener were bad. I rationalised (falsely) that it’s just coffee and everyone likes coffee, as well as convincing myself the insane amount of coke zero I consumed was normal (it had no sugar!). On the surface, these habits aren’t horrendous, but they contributed to my anorexia. Coffee and s...

  Wednesday 27th January is Holocaust Memorial Day. On this day we remember the murder of six million Jews, and 11 million innocent people overall. As a Jew, I have had the privilege growing up to hear many heroic stories of survival from those who were there to witness the atrocities, including my very own grandparents, who had to flee Nazi Germany in the 1930s. Whilst my blog might be focused on Eating Disorders, I wanted to write on a slightly different topic that means a lot to me. I find it simultaneously fascinating and shocking to learn about the horrors that occurred during the Holocaust, especially how peoples' minds were manipulated by the Nazis in a way that allowed them to commit the abominable crimes that they did. Since visiting Poland aged 16 and visiting numerous concentration camps, including Auschwitz, I have walked away confused. I am still dumb founded how humans, however deep their hatred of other groups may be, can be led to commit genocide, whilst having a de...

  The news of a third Lockdown in the UK may be the path out of this Pandemic, but it does mean that the Mental Health crisis in the UK is only set to continue.  Now, when I say ‘Mental Health Crisis,’ I don’t just mean those with diagnosed conditions, I mean anyone whose mental state is not where it should be, such as loneliness, which has risen 63% among young people over the last 12 months. For many, this will most likely have manifested itself as Anxiety in some form or another, a condition which 5% of the UK population has been diagnosed with. Given the low levels of reporting mental health problems, and the lack of accessible treatment, it is likely that this number is far, far higher. It is also estimated that 1.1% have been diagnosed with OCD.  Both Anxiety and OCD invade peoples’ lives unnoticed, slowly becoming stronger until negative behaviours can become entrenched. For me, I have been affected with Anxiety since childhood, and, like many, I didn’t get help fo...

   Eating disorders are often characterised by an intense desire to lose weight. Whilst valid, this statement is only true to an extent. It is true that, over the years, I have had a real urge to get the numbers that show up on the scales to drop. Even a menial fall in weight was a rush, and I felt like I had succeeded at attaining the personal goals I kept setting myself. It was almost like a rush each time. I know full well - as I have mentioned in previous posts - that these thoughts of success are lies, and that they are anything but the answer to my problems. When your goal is to be as thin as possible, the reactions of others can be frustrating, because their worries seem to fly in the face of everything you are thinking inside. They think: • Why can’t they just see that looking emaciating is anything but pretty?  • Why can’t they see that they are damaging their health?  • Why can’t they come to the realisation that they are ruining their life?  For...

It is human nature to compare ourselves to each other, so much so that we are taught not to “covet thy neighbour’s Ox.” The advent of social media has made this all too easy, and I, like many, have realised the deep sense of envy that these platforms can create within us, sometimes even leading to a real sense of worthlessness.     I am as flawed as any other of this. On a surface level, I catch myself feeling jealous when someone flashes their new Gucci bag or uploads snaps lounging in First Class, or relaxing in the sun in an idyllic location far away. On a deeper level, I feel envious as I was friends graduate from top universities (with a customary family photo to match), getting married, having babies, and just generally seeming to be picture perfect.     I myself am guilty of being an avid user of social media; I have chosen to write about my life on this blog (although only for positive purposes), and I share pictures of my fiancé and me, friends, family, and...

One would normally think it a matter of course (and common sense) to take a doctor's advice; after all, you do want to get better. For Eating Disorders, this is easier said than done... This most likely sound’s rather peculiar, what person would ignore the doctor’s advice? This is something I regularly ponder; why, after all the help I have received, am I still unwell?  There is no answer. Anorexia is devious, it convinces you that the way you live is the only way possible. It tells me that I will never cope without it. It has locked me in chains for so long, I often can’t possibly picture a way to unlock them. It feels as if I have lost the keys.  Eating disorders have a high rate of relapse. One would presume that once I have gained control of my behaviours, gained some weight and learned a regular eating pattern, why would I sabotage that, and revert back to my old habits? It seems to feel like a revolving door. Going round and round and round.  I remember when I was 1...

  For too long I have felt I have lived in shame for having a mental illness. I have come to believe that there is something deeply wrong with me. I think a lot of that comes from the mistaken and deep-rooted beliefs that are held in society. Recently, in the news, there has been coverage of the failings at a Cambridgeshire NHS trust that led to the tragic deaths of 5 women from eating disorders. It was truly heartbreaking to read about their struggles, and consequently, how their lives were cut short by this dreadful illness.  When discussing my illness with friends and family, I get asked a multitude of questions. They range from my own attitudes towards food, my weight, and if ‘I see myself as fat.’ I understand why people might not see further than the typical descriptions of Anorexia and other mental illnesses, as they are so often portrayed in the media on a surface-level basis only. I wanted to shed some light on specific misconceptions that I have had assumed about me,...