Holding my Key

It is human nature to compare ourselves to each other, so much so that we are taught not to “covet thy neighbour’s Ox.” The advent of social media has made this all too easy, and I, like many, have realised the deep sense of envy that these platforms can create within us, sometimes even leading to a real sense of worthlessness.     I am as flawed as any other of this. On a surface level, I catch myself feeling jealous when someone flashes their new Gucci bag or uploads snaps lounging in First Class, or relaxing in the sun in an idyllic location far away. On a deeper level, I feel envious as I was friends graduate from top universities (with a customary family photo to match), getting married, having babies, and just generally seeming to be picture perfect.     I myself am guilty of being an avid user of social media; I have chosen to write about my life on this blog (although only for positive purposes), and I share pictures of my fiancé and me, friends, family, and...

One would normally think it a matter of course (and common sense) to take a doctor's advice; after all, you do want to get better. For Eating Disorders, this is easier said than done... This most likely sound’s rather peculiar, what person would ignore the doctor’s advice? This is something I regularly ponder; why, after all the help I have received, am I still unwell?  There is no answer. Anorexia is devious, it convinces you that the way you live is the only way possible. It tells me that I will never cope without it. It has locked me in chains for so long, I often can’t possibly picture a way to unlock them. It feels as if I have lost the keys.  Eating disorders have a high rate of relapse. One would presume that once I have gained control of my behaviours, gained some weight and learned a regular eating pattern, why would I sabotage that, and revert back to my old habits? It seems to feel like a revolving door. Going round and round and round.  I remember when I was 1...

  For too long I have felt I have lived in shame for having a mental illness. I have come to believe that there is something deeply wrong with me. I think a lot of that comes from the mistaken and deep-rooted beliefs that are held in society. Recently, in the news, there has been coverage of the failings at a Cambridgeshire NHS trust that led to the tragic deaths of 5 women from eating disorders. It was truly heartbreaking to read about their struggles, and consequently, how their lives were cut short by this dreadful illness.  When discussing my illness with friends and family, I get asked a multitude of questions. They range from my own attitudes towards food, my weight, and if ‘I see myself as fat.’ I understand why people might not see further than the typical descriptions of Anorexia and other mental illnesses, as they are so often portrayed in the media on a surface-level basis only. I wanted to shed some light on specific misconceptions that I have had assumed about me,...

  What is an eating disorder? According to Wikipedia, ‘an eating disorder is a mental disorder defined by abnormal eating habits that negatively affect a person's physical and/or mental health.' According to the NHS, ‘An eating disorder is when you have an unhealthy attitude to food, which can take over your life and make you ill.’ According to me, the answer is so much deeper. As much as the internet loves to use broad diagnostic terms to categorise illnesses, I reckon that having a first-hand and lived experience, I might prove better at finding an accurate description. It is true that an eating disorder is a ‘mental disorder’. However, that term sounds scary, and immediately conjures up images in my mind of patients in straitjackets being held down in a dilapidated psychiatric hospital.  On my own journey, I used to believe my issue was solely about the ‘food’ and my ‘eating.’ Only now, can I more clearly understand that my real issues were being sugar-coated by a handy too...